Thursday, 14 April 2011

Further Suggestions for Sexual Roleplay


1. 1. There’s been a hosepipe ban and you and your lover are having an argument about whether or not you could give the chrysanthemums a once over. The situation is further complicated by the fact that you yourselves are chrysanthemums.

2. 2. Imagine that your lover is dead hungry, and you are a melon that is covered in pesticide. You consider asking him/her to wash you off, but soon realise there’s a hosepipe ban

3. 3. It’s cold outside so you pop inside a brothel for a smoke. The hoe’s have banned pipes, so you have to use one of those sheeshas with bubbles. This requires water, which is complicated by the fact that there’s a hosepipe ban. You begin to have sex.

4. 4. You and your lover are hosepipes, who have been banned. You begin to have sex.

5. 5. There is a hoes/pipe ban in Florence, where you are holidaying. This means a gardener can use neither a hoe nor a pipe in his work. You try and get around this by learning the Italian for ‘I am not a gardener’. You begin to have sex.

6. 6. Hosepipe in both arses, joining you together. You pretend to be Catdog (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catdog), and attempt to run away from each other.

Friday, 1 April 2011

April Fools

She sat in the graveyard, looking around. All fresh. All her fault.
"April fools," she whispered, whimpering into her scarf.


"April fools," came the reply. Everyone got up and said different iterations of "the look on your face!"

Thursday, 3 March 2011

Site-Specific Theatre Ideas

I’m a big fan of devised theatre – particularly really immersive site-specific stuff. I like it because I was born without the capacity to imagine. Here are some of the pieces I’m most looking forward to this week...

Genesis/Blood

Genesis/Blood is set in, and therefore for some reason staged in, a womb. The audience wait in the delivery room of a hospital until someone gives birth, then, just when the vagina is at its widest, that audience is invited to clamber inside the woman and enjoy a truly immersive theatrical experience. Utilising the well-known fact that it is literally impossible for an audience to imagine anything that isn’t also actually happening to them at the time, Genesis/Blood tries to teach us all about where we came from and, for some of us – namely, anyone who, for some reason, goes to see Genesis/Blood – where we’re going, too.

Snookered

Snookered is set on, and therefore for some reason staged on, a massive snooker table. Each audience member is given a colour and spread about the board. A cast member then shouts the word ‘black’ at one of the snooker balls for about an hour, privately because she is excited by the idea of saying racist things in front of a paying audience, but also because it for some reason challenges the way we think of prejudice. Afterwards, it is explained that the cast have all studied theatre and so cannot be racists themselves.

Half Thought Out Bullshit a Group of Bored Actors Shitted Out

Half Thought Out Bullshit a Group of Bored Actors Shitted Out, or HTOBGBASO, is set in, and therefore staged in, a rehearsal room. Diana and Peter are out of work actors. As such, they decide to put on a show – however, they soon realise they have literally no ability, and so, instead of writing one, decide to meet up one afternoon, talk in a freeform way at each other for a couple of hours, and simply write down whatever bullshit they instinctively farted out. Two months are then spent working on costume/lighting/choreography. Classic lines include;

Diana: ...I...wait, I’ve got one...the good thing about rolling the dice is that it never comes up tails...is that clever? Write it down. And this bit too. (pause) What? Yeah, anything to fill time, really – we’ll do it in slow motion with strobe lighting or something.

As well as

Peter: Oh, you’re a writer? Yeah, actually I’ve been meaning to get on that shit. Got something I’ve been wanting to write for ages...essentially, it’s about a dog that...I dunno, smells of...Anne Frank, and...anyway she’s remembering the war, but we also are in the war, and...basically fucking EVERYTHING’s made of Vimto, so... (Huge Pause) I’ve gotta sit down and flesh it out some time. Should be really weird, but also cool?

Lots to look forward to.

Saturday, 26 February 2011

Questions


What's the tallest a thing can be before becoming at all wide?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Can anybody get their foot up their ass?

Is Jamie Oliver slightly undermined by the fact he's got a chubby face?

If legs are to arms as a knee is to an elbow, should there be another, smaller, arse on each shoulder - is this the armpit?
(suggested rename: "shoulder-ass")

How loud would something have to be before it became massive?

Realistically, would Alan Sugar be any good at the Apprentice?

Thursday, 24 February 2011

Haiku About Love

Even though he looks
Like he got twatted about
With a spade. We'll wed
(Other considerations: financial stability, profile...)

Thursday, 20 January 2011

Wednesday, 19 January 2011