A Wordsearch

Cocoa-Nuts

It’s a cereal for people who are nuts about cocoa. Make very clear that it doesn’t contain coconuts but still have, as the mascot, a massive coconut (he talks?). Call him ‘The Cocoa Nut’ and say that all of his friends are in the cereal. Specify that none of his friends are coconuts. Field questions.

An Extremely Difficult Sudoku

Christophe Herne: A Genealogy

Christophe’s mother (Jan) was a dentist from Aldershot, who married his father, a Brazilian with a temper.

We follow the mother

Jan Herne (née Charleston-Bennett)’s father (‘Dom’) was a wheatsheaf, like his father before him, the famous Whitely Bennett, credited with inventing something-or-other (citation needed) where it basically meant that wheatsheafing took about half as long as it previously had.

We follow his uncle.

Carlton Bennett, the famous type-setter/polymath, never found love himself, but his parents (Lucy and Dennis) remained married and happy until their mutual deaths in the purges.

Dennis’ mother was the fruit of respected loins. Father, Lord Manfred Whelks, and mother, Lady Vera Manfred, were brother and sister respectfully, but only through marriage and blood; their mutual mother being a lady called Christine (we begin to see where Christophe got his name from!)

There is reasonable evidence that Christine had no father.

The Hedge Hog (as in 'Bush Pig' - but also, Hedgehog)

Below is an extract from a series of short stories I've been writing in order to simultaneously teach children about a certain animal and also to introduce them to a certain literary style. This is the eighth in the series which juxtaposes hedgehogs and horror...

“What do you mean, dead?” Samwise Gangee asked, down the phone to his supervisor (who’d just told him that his [Samwise’s] wife was dead).

The supervisor meant exactly what he said. She’d been shot in the lung by a bullet, and it wasn’t looking good. Or was it?

No. Samwise dropped the phone in horror. She’d been trying to contact him all day, but he’d been too blasted busy! Busy busy busy, he thought. Busy like a bee. Busy like a bee would be busy. He don’t need this.

He slammed the door and walked into the forecourt. What had she been trying to tell him? He checked his answerphone. The signal was poor.

“Samwi…I…research…massive, they…wha-?....hedgehogs…can you…hedgehogs…I’m trying…experi-…hedgehogs…GET AWAY FROM M-!...hedgehogs…”

What did it all mean? Who killed her? Or what? It could have been an animal, of course.

He knew that she’d been working on an experiment to make animals bigger and more intelligent. But that only narrowed it down to every living thing on the planet that wasn’t a plant – and that was a list he hadn’t the time to peruse. Which animal? Which one? Which? Which animal?

A hedgehog scuttled past his feet.

“Get away from me, you stupid little-”

But wait. He realised. Hedgehogs. His hedgehogs. Their hedgehogs. He’d leant them to her just that morning.

It was a prickly situation, he quipped to no-one in particular.

These were all the things Samwise knew about hedgehogs; ‘A hedgehog is any of the small spiny mammals of the subfamily Erinaceinae and the order Erinaceomorpha. There are 16 species of hedgehog in five genera, found through parts of Europe, Asia, Africa, and New Zealand. There are no hedgehogs native to Australia, and no living species native to North America; those in New Zealand are introduced. Hedgehogs have changed little over the last 15 million years. Like many of the first mammals they have adapted to a nocturnal, insectivorous way of life. The name 'hedgehog' came into use around the year 1450, derived from the Middle English 'heyghoge', from 'heyg', 'hegge' = hedge, because it frequents hedgerows, and 'hoge', 'hogge' = hog, from its piglike snout. Other folk names include 'urchin', 'hedgepig' and 'furze-pig'’

All of that would be useful now.

Business Idea #7

Find out that all of David Icke’s theories are true. Withhold this information from David Icke. Allude to a pecuniary compromise.

A Misunderstanding

Daniel? Daniel, where are you? Oh, there you are. I had wondered.

Ways Spider-Man might give his Secret Identity away

1. Accidentally crushing a loved one during a cuddle

2. Saying this, in a sort of knowing way – “You know, I simply ‘glow’ on the topic of radiation. I guess you could say, it’s in my blood.”

3. Trusting the wrong people (Jordan/that girl who did it with John Terry/Captain Octopuses)

4. Being bested in combat.

5. Sheer carelessness (forgetting his mask/hat etc.)

A Suggestion for Sexual Role-play

There’s been a hosepipe ban in Ipswich and you and your lover are having an argument about whether or not you could give the chrysanthemums a once over. The situation is further complicated by the fact that you yourselves are chrysanthemums.

Badger, Badger...

Below is an extract from a series of short stories I've been writing in order to simultaneously teach children about a certain animal and also to introduce them to a certain literary style. This is the third in the series, which marries 'badgers' to American gothic...

Eubank awoke with a twinkle in his eye, a spring in his step, and a badger on his face. ‘Aaaaargh!’ he said, and rolled off the bed onto the body of his lover. What was she doing on the floor? He soon noticed that she was covered in badgers and that only the top half of her body was still there. Where was the other half? Quite a fat badger was also laughing in the corner of the room. Laughing in the way that badgers do. He had his answer.

Without a thought he took a swing at the portly mammalian [or mustelidae], all the while struggling to hear himself think over that sickening badger-laugh. ‘Shut up, you nocturnal butcher!’ he suggested ‘Go back to your sett, which is where badgers live!’

Badgers are susceptible to roundworm infestations. They can catch and carry rabies and are believed to transmit bovine tuberculosis

‘I don't like you.’ said Fat Badger. ‘And when I don't like something, it dies.’

‘You’ll find things aren’t so black and white with me!’ Eubank quipped.

And just as soon it was over, in a frenzy of fur and yelping.

And there were bodies. Oh, how there were bodies. He looked over the badgers around him. The one by his leg. Dead. The one by the window. Dead. The one by the dressing board. Sleeping. He stood on its head and looked away. Dead.

Finally, he made his way by over to the fat badger who’d been laughing at him earlier on, however counter-intuitively. He wasn’t moving. For a moment Eubank thought he might be hibernating, but then he remembered that badgers don’t hibernate, although they have been known to become torpid for a matter of days when the climate is sufficiently cold.

He walked away. He’d taken no joy in slaughtering anything from the phylum Chordata, and that was the phylum that badgers were from. Chordata.

Although badgers are called carnivores they mostly eat fruit, nuts, and earthworms, which are technically meat, but don’t have souls.

Business Idea #6

Convince general public that you are Cheryl Tweedy out of Girls Aloud. Sell sex story to Heat.

Visual Joke

...OOPS! THAT'S A HEAD OF SCHEDULE!!!

Business Idea #5

Get hold of a stick from somewhere, and also a small bag of rat droppings. Find some way of turning these into an iPod Touch. Sell and repeat the process. (call ‘eye-pod’ to avoid law soot)

A Murder Mystery

19.30: Susan arrives hankering for a drink. It is snowing outside.

20.03: Morburn (Susan’s husband) arrives in a separate cab from Susan a full half-hour later

20.04: Baldrick (different one) takes their coats – one of them has a gun in, but he doesn’t remember whose is whose (despite the time difference)

20.13: Susan and Morburn exchange a glance, as Kitty reminisces. “Those ruddy conclaves,” they think. “As if we’d forget about her and those ruddy conclaves”

20.20: Baldrick arrives, claiming that either Susan or Morburn’s mobile is going off. Neither Susan nor Morburn get up, as neither have a mobile

20.31: Susan, Morburn, Kitty, and Murderous Dan sit down for dinner. Murderous Dan continues the joke of how many murders he’s done this year (“it is only July” he quips)

20.32: Abruptly, the spaghetti is served

20.44: Baldrick arrives, claiming that the taller of the coats is on fire. Neither Susan nor Morburn react. Both express disinterest in their respective coats.

22.08: Murderous Dan finishes his spaghetti. Cheese and biscuits are served

22.12: The lights go out.

22.13: The lights come back on. Mr Ganley is dead!(?)!

22.14: Baldrick enters carrying a gun. Both Morburn and Susan start to cry

Who did it?

A Musing

Cricket Bat – for hitting Cricket Ball

Cricket Racket – a noise made by crickets

Cricket Ball – a dance organised for crickets

Cricket, Bat – the beginnings of a list of animals

Business Idea #4

A Sort of Saucy Idea for a Cup

Sell to whoever it is that like this "sort of thing".

A Poem

I WENT THROUGH THE DOOR

THOUGHT OF YOU

I SAW HORSES- WONDERED IF ANY OF THEM WERE YOURS

Guideline for a Eulogy

Mention a lot of the better things a person did, and steer away from the bad ones. Like if they shot a child, do mention that they regretted it, but don’t mention what ‘it’ is. Butter this with the jam of sadness.

Bond Films They Could Make

Forever Never Comes Again

Never Say Forever if it Kills You

Ever was Forever ‘til It Died

Moonraker (but much better)

SO HOW DID CATDOG POO THEN?

GO ON THEN, MATE, WHERE DOES THE PISS COME OUT?!?!?!?

Business Idea #3

Convince big name celebrity (Alan Carr?) to work for absolutely nothing. Charge people to see this.

Business Idea #2

Find something worthless, like a rubbish sock. Paint it in the colours that you’d usually find on something good, like a fantastic toy. Sell it to children, claiming that it is that good thing. Reap benefits.

A Letter To George Lucas

Hello George (Lucas), I have written another Star Wars film and wondered if you (Lucas, George) would be interested [in it]. It takes place before episode 1, but after episodes 5 and 6. In the story (Star Wars Episode 0/5.5; Where Eagles Dare To Go) you would play the part of Lucas Skywalker, who is the father of Anakin Skywalker but the son of Luke Skywalker, as well as being half-wookie and dead. You would have a light-saber also.

I imagine it ending with a light-saber fight not unlike in the other films, only I was imagining it being improved. Perhaps you can help me with this. I have almost finished casting the film, but would appreciate you giving the following people a call for their respective parts;

Lucas Skywalker – George Lucas (you don’t have to tell yourself, though, obviously)

Luke Skywalker – Matthew McConaughey (Mark Hamill is too fat now, I think)

Anakin Skywalker – The man from ‘Awake’, where he’s in a coma

Cassandra Phoenix (New character! Lucas’ love interest) – Anne Hathaway

Jaba the Hutt – Mark Hamill (so that he doesn’t feel left out)

Chorus – Blazin’ Squad and So Solid Crew (I thought that this would be a nice opportunity to bury the hatchet – perhaps they could all be Klingons?)

Let me know (about whether you’re in)

Daran Johnson

Business Idea #1

Find something that costs hardly anything at all, like clamps, and then go up to somebody who’s wealthy and a bit dim, like the man who plays Olly on Hollyoaks or James from Busted, and convince them to part with half of their fortune for it. Tell them that this is a good deal. (maybe don’t use clamps)

First Post

So I'm putting out the dustbin (as though there's any point - thank you VERY much irregular dustmen/gordon brown etc.) and I gets to thinking: what if I did a blog? What if I wrote one, what if I put it online? What if...

Well, this is precisely what would happen in that event