Autobiography

So my autobiography FINALLY gots published today. I've had a tough life, so I wanted to get that across in the title, and call it "Can't Cook Ice". Like that famous saying "you can't cook ice". You know; not everything's in your control, some things just are how they are and you have to live with them etc. Typo fuck-up

Makes me look like a fucking idiot.

Genuinely Rubbish Facebooks #2

"Interests: Rugby, Rowing, and listening to music"

Hello, my name is Chris and I enjoy rugby, rowing, and listening to music. Will you be my friend?

No, Chris, I absolutely will not. You sound fucking tedious.

"Activities: Hanging around with mates"

Hello, my name is Chris and I enjoy hanging around with my mates.

Of course you do, Chris. That's why they're your mates. That's what mates are, you fucking tedium.

Directions

Okay, straight up here, on past the Grimer's - wait, are you local? No? Right, on past the Stamford Arms - we call it 'the Grimer's Minge' - don't worry about it. Yeah, so past the Stamford Arms, left at the roundabout - lots of chavs around there. Bad area for chavs, that. Anyway, don't pay them any notice - my friend Dan fingered one, but he reckons she was pretty drunk, so...yeah, it's not actually that far from there. Well, it's far, but it's straight. You can get the 317 outside the Leisure Complex. No? Strong man. Haha. No, good man. So carry on going along that road for...ooo...15 minutes? AND THEN COME BACK COS YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!!! Haha joking - on a bit of a roll. No, go about 3 minutes down that road and the road will start to split - left fork, right fork, and then another one to the right of the right fork. DO NOT TAKE THE RIGHT FORK. Yeah? You take the one to the right of the right fork. So which way do you go?...good, yeah, the right of the right fork. Listen, I'm getting so hard just thinking about this. Anyway, yeah, so take the right of the right fork, about ten minutes on and you'll be right there. Actually, I'm going that way now, if you fancy any compan-oh, right, yeah. See you later

My Love, She No a' Comin' Home

Ideas for TV Shows

1. Exactly like Big Brother, but without giving them food or filming it.

2. Working title "Tiger, Tiger" - Two tigers are made to fight. This more or less writes itself. (Should be BRILLIANT)

3. Fifteen men (including women) are given fifteen eggs (one each, plus one spare) to take care of for a year. They're not allowed to smash them and they've got to stop other people from making it so that they're smashed. They must keep the egg with them at all times. This is complicated by the fact we send a proper maniac character after them with a hammer. Like a maniac, though.

4. Working title "Sex Milk". No clear concept as yet. Early days. Budget approx. 8 million.

5. Working title "25". Like "24", but with an extra episode on the end, made up of clips from the previous episodes. For this one, the budget would be quite small probably, because for the first 24 episodes of each season, you could use the existing '24' shit. I reckon I could get the last one finished while these are airing.

6. "We took one paedophile and fifteen cats, and we locked them in a cupboard for 40 days and 40 nights. Want to know what happened?"...