Things that could feasibly happen in an Eleventh series of Friends

After a heavy night drinking, Joey confuses his hobbies, mistakenly eating a woman and fucking a sandwich.

Ross and Rachel’s daughter (Emma) has a sex change and marries Ross’s son (Ben), further complicating Ross’s already difficult life.

Phoebe gets into a situation because of something she does which is a bit wacky. This causes difficulties with her husband, whose name escapes us.

After a heavy night drinking, Joey (confused), mistakenly fingers one of his sisters.

Chandler balloons again, seamlessly incorporating his face into his chest.

Monica, on a trip to the Vatican, goes mental and decides she and Chandler can’t leave until she’s counted every weave in the pope’s hat. She imposes the arbitrary deadline of a day in which to do this, fails continuously, and soon dies of starvation. Chandler makes a sassy remark.

After a heavy night drinking, a confused Joey does a shit on the settee in Central Perk.

(should earlier have mentioned, Joey develops a drinking problem after season 10)

Weirdly, Ross meets an actual dinosaur. This is explained away in much the same way as at the start of Jurassic Park.

Disappointing Endings for Books

1. It goes like this:

"Put down the sword, Gandror, or so help me I-...ah, you've done it...good." screamed the hero.

And they all were fine.

2. Ruebit dies (and Ruebit is your favourite character!)

3. It turns out that it's set in the real world, and one of the characters has actually written the book, so it all gets a bit meta and there's some line at the end about 'watching your back' or some fucking SHIT!

4. It turns out that everyone in the book has been dead for fifteen years. Also, in passing, it's mentioned one of them was actually three children stood on each other's shoulders wearing a trenchcoat, but nothing came of this.

5. It asks more questions than it answers, if that makes any sense.

6. It turns out that the one who did it is a newly introduced character, so you couldn't possibly have guessed.

7. Someone says the title of the book in a crowbarred in way. Like if it was called 'And the fox cried blind', it might go like this:

"Are you comin', 'annah?" Ruebit asked, in his kindly way.

Hannah looked back at him, fondly. That lovely old man. That kindly lovely old old man.

"I suppose so," she supposed. "There's nothing here for us now, in any case."

Lovely Ruebit smiled back. "'ar now I wunt be knowin' nuthin 'bout that now. Haha. Wunt  be knowin' nuthin 'bout that..." and he slithered out of the room, closing the fucking big door  behind him.

Silence. That room that had once been so full of laughter. Now silence.

She stood for a moment.

"And the fox cried blind," she whispered to no-one in particular, "and the fox, as they say,  cried blind"

Hannah pulled the blinds closed for a last time and a single tear dropped from her vagina.

8. Builds to a climax, then elipsis.

9. Descends into porn. Loads of explicit pictures, even though up until that point it'd been just text - murder mystery shit, too. Also, this one gets a bit racist.

10. Happens about two pages in. Loads of blanks.

Interesting Opinions You Might Like To Have

"I actually preferred it as Choco Krispies - that's just me". Be an interesting opinion for someone to have, wouldn't it?

"I love Ant but I honestly can't get into Dec"

"I do think that there should be higher tax but I absolutely don't think that the money should go towards anything" - why would somebody think THAT?

"I think that Philosophy is...I just...I'm rambling..." - sort of interesting if somebody considered this to be an opinion. I'd disagree, but respectfully.

"I think nowadays the most racist thing you can do is just not to be racist. I honestly think that. Thanks very much, Tony Blair." - what would they even mean by this?

"Lebanon - it's weird isn't it because it sort of sounds like "Lemon On". In a way, lots of places do"

"I always prefer the film to the book"

"Autumn is the best month" sorry, what was that last word again?

"I do prefer showers to baths, but not if I'm in a rush" - because this is exactly the opposite of what seems to make sense, isn't it?

These people would have to be real oddballs.

New Feelings

1. Lathic

It's like a sort of happiness if you're feeling it before noon, but sadness if you're feeling it after

Sample usage: "This is a brilliant day. I'm feeling so lathic! Oh shit, lunch break. I HATE lunch break. Now I'm feeling all lathic"

2. Bleeno

Ambivalence, but about ambivalence.

Sample usage: "Well, you can over-use it. But, then, it's sometimes the most appropriate word. I don't know; I'm kind of bleeno about it."

3. Rundy

When you're sort of pleased for someone's achievement, but there's a sense that it's not really theirs. Like if someone tells you they starred in a successful film as a child.

Sample usage:

A: I got the job

B: Oh, well done

A: Turns out dad knew someone at the office

B: Cool...I'm rundy for you, really I am.

Dickens Restaurants

Plate Expectations

Steak House

Olive ...something with olive

Hard Limes (this would mainly cook things with limes)

The Pick-wok Papers (Chinese stuff)

A Christmas Dinner

David Cod-with-Eel (this would serve cod with eel and would be a pun on Charles Dickens' 'David Copperfield')

The Old Curiosity Pot

Barnaby's Fudge

A Tale of Two Titties (it would be a tit bar that did food, more than a restaurant)

Our Mutual Beef

The Mystery of Edwin Food

I'M OUT!

Further Suggestions for Sexual Roleplay

1. 1. There’s been a hosepipe ban and you and your lover are having an argument about whether or not you could give the chrysanthemums a once over. The situation is further complicated by the fact that you yourselves are chrysanthemums.

2. 2. Imagine that your lover is dead hungry, and you are a melon that is covered in pesticide. You consider asking him/her to wash you off, but soon realise there’s a hosepipe ban

3. 3. It’s cold outside so you pop inside a brothel for a smoke. The hoe’s have banned pipes, so you have to use one of those sheeshas with bubbles. This requires water, which is complicated by the fact that there’s a hosepipe ban. You begin to have sex.

4. 4. You and your lover are hosepipes, who have been banned. You begin to have sex.

5. 5. There is a hoes/pipe ban in Florence, where you are holidaying. This means a gardener can use neither a hoe nor a pipe in his work. You try and get around this by learning the Italian for ‘I am not a gardener’. You begin to have sex.

6. 6. Hosepipe in both arses, joining you together. You pretend to be Catdog (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catdog), and attempt to run away from each other.

April Fools

She sat in the graveyard, looking around. All fresh. All her fault.

"April fools," she whispered, whimpering into her scarf.

"April fools," came the reply. Everyone got up and said different iterations of "the look on your face!"

Site-Specific Theatre Ideas

I’m a big fan of devised theatre – particularly really immersive site-specific stuff. I like it because I was born without the capacity to imagine. Here are some of the pieces I’m most looking forward to this week...

Genesis/Blood

Genesis/Blood is set in, and therefore for some reason staged in, a womb. The audience wait in the delivery room of a hospital until someone gives birth, then, just when the vagina is at its widest, that audience is invited to clamber inside the woman and enjoy a truly immersive theatrical experience. Utilising the well-known fact that it is literally impossible for an audience to imagine anything that isn’t also actually happening to them at the time, Genesis/Blood tries to teach us all about where we came from and, for some of us – namely, anyone who, for some reason, goes to see Genesis/Blood – where we’re going, too.

Snookered

Snookered is set on, and therefore for some reason staged on, a massive snooker table. Each audience member is given a colour and spread about the board. A cast member then shouts the word ‘black’ at one of the snooker balls for about an hour, privately because she is excited by the idea of saying racist things in front of a paying audience, but also because it for some reason challenges the way we think of prejudice. Afterwards, it is explained that the cast have all studied theatre and so cannot be racists themselves.

Half Thought Out Bullshit a Group of Bored Actors Shitted Out

Half Thought Out Bullshit a Group of Bored Actors Shitted Out, or HTOBGBASO, is set in, and therefore staged in, a rehearsal room. Diana and Peter are out of work actors. As such, they decide to put on a show – however, they soon realise they have literally no ability, and so, instead of writing one, decide to meet up one afternoon, talk in a freeform way at each other for a couple of hours, and simply write down whatever bullshit they instinctively farted out. Two months are then spent working on costume/lighting/choreography. Classic lines include;

Diana: ...I...wait, I’ve got one...the good thing about rolling the dice is that it never comes up tails...is that clever? Write it down. And this bit too. (pause) What? Yeah, anything to fill time, really – we’ll do it in slow motion with strobe lighting or something.

As well as

Peter: Oh, you’re a writer? Yeah, actually I’ve been meaning to get on that shit. Got something I’ve been wanting to write for ages...essentially, it’s about a dog that...I dunno, smells of...Anne Frank, and...anyway she’s remembering the war, but we also are in the war, and...basically fucking EVERYTHING’s made of Vimto, so... (Huge Pause) I’ve gotta sit down and flesh it out some time. Should be really weird, but also cool?

Lots to look forward to.

Questions

What's the tallest a thing can be before becoming at all wide?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Can anybody get their foot up their ass?

Is Jamie Oliver slightly undermined by the fact he's got a chubby face?

If legs are to arms as a knee is to an elbow, should there be another, smaller, arse on each shoulder - is this the armpit?

(suggested rename: "shoulder-ass")

How loud would something have to be before it became massive?

Realistically, would Alan Sugar be any good at the Apprentice?

Haiku About Love

Even though he looks

Like he got twatted about

With a spade. We'll wed

(Other considerations: financial stability, profile...)

Apassionata 7: Reply

Peter Andre Crisis!

Apassionata 6: We Go Again

Brainwave!

There could be a song called ‘Like when Angus Deaton had sex with all those prostitutes’. It could cover promiscuity.

The Biggest Cat I Can Imagine

This is the biggest cat that I can imagine. And by absolutely miles, too. The second biggest one I can imagine isn't even close - there are some actual cats that are marginally bigger. But this one is, I think you'll agree, pretty impressive (and not just size-wise). If you had to kill it, for whatever reason, the only solution I can think of is to take one of the ones to his right (our left) and stab it in his eye. But you'd have to make sure you got it real deep, because you might otherwise just make him angry ("oh no!").

Interestingly, although this is the biggest cat I can imagine, it isn't actually the tallest.

Apassionata 5: SUCCESS!!!

Last month I started a campaign (albeit a mild one) to find out how many horses are in 'Apassionata' - the poster had claimed there were "over 45"

So imagine my surprise when I chanced upon...

I changed the world. Maybe you can...

(I almost certainly didn't)

Happy New Yeah!