The Last Things Chris Thorpe Thought About

Mirror, signal, manoeuvre
Tic-Tacs
“The Wright Stuff”
Lenny Kravitz – good song, haven’t heard it in ages
Pedal Bins (bins that you can open using a pedal)
That dream where it turned out all of us (except Mark) were in Hollyoaks, but about ten years into the future
Hiroshima
Nagasaki
Saki
Drinks with Jennifer later?
Mother’s teet
Hang on
The brakes
“Come on, you ruddy brakes!!!”
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing

Did you know that Chris Thorpe’s M.O.T. was literally about three months out of date? Makes you think...

A Mantra

Be bad

Be bold

Be wiser

Be hard

Be tough

Be stronger

Be cool

Be calm

Stick together

Love will save the day

Business Idea #10

Find out that all of David Icke’s theories are true. Withhold this information from David Icke. Allude to a pecuniary compromise.

Post Scripts

P.S. Forget about the whole ‘top to tail’ thing. I guess if you just brush, it’ll be fine.

P.S. – remember to post that script.

P.S. If you do say ‘yes’ then I’ve got a pretty nice chapel booked already. Check it out http://www.celticcastles.com/weddings.asp

P.S. I’m new at this, so any feedback would be tops. I wonder if ‘you’re no longer hired’ would have been more sensitive.

P.S. I love you

P.S. Don’t ever talk to me again. See you next Tuesday.

P.S. Dear Mr Benedicts, it has come to my attention that you’ve not been paying your taxes. We have issued a court order. Yours sincerely, Inland Revenue. (I wonder, should some of this have been in the ‘script’)

P.S. Could I have my wife back? She said she was just popping out and, although I thank you for the wedding invitation, I wonder if I ought to worry.

A Date

Chris: Erm... Leanne, do you fancy going for a drink some time?

Leanne: Yeah, sure

Chris: Wait, you're not really busy, are you?

Leanne: No, why?

Chris: Just with the black dress and all your relatives

Leanne: Nope. Not busy, no.

Vicar: (coming over) Sorry, Leanne, we're gonna do the eulog-

Leanne: In a bit vicar

Chris: Okay...so we're on for the drink?

Leanne: Yep

Chris: Gee. Look at me. Going for a drink with Leanne Holmes.

Leanne: Fuller. Yeah, it's Leanne Fuller now.

Chris: Really? Why'd you chang-

Vicar: (coming over) Leanne, we're going to embalm the-

Leanne: I'm busy, vicar!!!

Chris: Are you sure you're not busy?

Leanne: No, no. Come on, Chris, let's go have that drink

Chris: What, now?

Leanne: Yeah, now's fine. I'm pretty sure now's fine

Business Idea #9

Look into getting the patent for ‘dishes’.

8 Things I've Noticed

1. 1. Once out of every 365 days, somebody is born who will never have that thing where you can’t quite remember which of two ages you were when something happened, because of you being both in that year.

2. 2. Right now, as you’re reading this, somebody in America IS pissing on their husband, both in a sexual and abusive way (in the north/south respectively?). Makes you think.

3. 3. ‘Bebo’ hasn’t closed down yet – go on Google, check it out – it’s still there!

4. 4. At some point, somebody sat down and CAME UP WITH dishes. Before this there was presumably only Cup-a-Soup or else a lotta burnt hands (well, two each).

5. 5. The ‘Oscars’ and the ‘Academy Awards’ are the same things.

6. 6. If you’d got the patent on dishes, you’d probably have more money than Bill Gates and somebody who has as much money as Bill Gates COMBINED (twice as much as Bill Gates)

7. 7. If the myths were truth, and everybody was infected, then one of out every twenty-eight people (roughly) would turn into a werewolf ON THEIR BIRTHDAY!

8. 8. Cows. Do just think about them for a couple of seconds. Go on Google, find a picture of one, and just look at it. Honestly. Cows. What are they even doing?

Cast/Crew for a Film

‘Brent Sheffner’/ ‘Captain Heroes’ – Ralph Feinnes (beard, piercings etc.)

‘Imogen Myloins’ – Keeley Hazell (she can act?!?!?)

‘Shelly Sheffner’ – Bonnie Wright/the other one out of Destiny’s Child.

‘Nathaniel Nefarious’/ ‘Count Cunt’ – Danny Devito (in his ‘Penguin’ outfit from Batman Returns – investigate rights)

‘Postman’ – Dappy

‘Postman 2’ – Sir Ian McKellen (discuss swapping postmen round)

‘Sir Ian McKellen’ – Patrick Swayze (use the technology they had for that cancer advert with Bob Monkhouse – add SOME features of Sir Ian himself into this mix)

‘Bath’ – see props list.

Best Boy – Nelson Mandella (has to be)

Photography – Andy Hollis (really good. a pro)

Grip – Kerry Katona (gives her something to do since ‘THE WHOLE ICELAND THING’)

Director – Probably me, but I’ll consider virtually anybody else. Best to wait until there’s a script/story etc. before putting all of our eggs in potentionally quite a dangerous basket.

Script – Matt Damon (Good Will Hunting etc.)

Business Idea #8

Releasing audio-books of mime festivals. You wouldn’t have to record anything, but people would still pay LOADS of money!!!

A Novella

“Should I mention it?” Dirk wondered. “Should I mention all of the bodies? She’ll see them, surely. She’ll see that I’ve killed all of these bankers and she’ll worry.”

Cassandra sauntered in through the bathroom window, as per.

“Why are you sitting on that casket?” she asked.

“We have to talk,” Dirk explained, “I’ve...killed a lot of bankers.”

“Right,” said Cassandra.

There was exactly the sort of pause you’d imagine there’d be. Perhaps even slightly longer. There was a palpable feeling of an appropriate kind.

“Never mind, though, eh?” Cassandra ventured. “I’m as bad myself,” she added, before opening the airing cupboard to release no less than a hundred dead bankers, some of them dating back years.

“Why didn’t you...”

“Mention it? I don’t know...it’s not the sort of thing you say, is it?”

F.U.B.R.B.

Perhaps this is a little late, but I thought I’d get in on the Eamon/Frankie break-up song thing. It’s a bit harder for me, I think, because I was never in that relationship, but I think it basically gets to the heart of it and I’m looking forward to all of the money I’ll make.

F.U.B.R.B. (Fuck You Both Right Back)

Whoa oh oh

Ooh hooh

No No No

[Verse 1]

See, I don’t know why you guys liked each other so much

It’s hard to imagine you guys in love

You both wrote, wrote popular songs,

Now it’s five years on

By now the pain is gone,

But I’m bringin’ it back just’a one more time, yo

[Chorus]

Fuck what you guys said, you’re both out of line

Frankie, those presents, they seem pretty nice

Eamon, I’m sure Frankie means more than jack

Hey guess what, guys, fuck you both right back

Fuck both you guys, you’re so out of line

I’m taking those presents, yeah, that’s right, they mine

Eamon, she’s a skank, but you’re also a twat

Hey guess what, guys, fuck you both right back

[Verse 2]

Now Frankie, you shouldn’t cheat

You were never gonna keep that shit from Eamon

In the Frankie one, she sings a bit here

About really enjoying fingering herself

Now who’s asking for who back?

You need to interact,

And standardise the backstory to these songs, yeah

Fuck what you guys said, you’re both out of line

Frankie, those presents, they seem pretty nice

Eamon, I’m sure Frankie means more than jack

Hey guess what, guys, fuck you both right back

Fuck both you guys, you’re so out of line

I’m taking those presents, yeah, that’s right, they mine

Eamon, she’s a skank, but you’re also a twat

Hey guess what, guys, fuck you both right back

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

Frankie ya questioned, did Eamon care

You could ask anyone, I even said

You guys were wrong for each other

Now it’s over, I’m a little sad

But if I had to choose I’d say I’m sorry for Eamon, cuz he loved a hoe

Fuck both you guys, you’re so out of line

I’m taking those presents, yeah, all that shit’s mine

Eamon, she’s a skank, but you are a twat

So guess what, guys, Jonno says fuck you both right back

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

[Until the end]