The Worst Person There Could Ever Be

Some Witty Quips

These are some witty quips: one-liners and such. They'd be better in context really. The witty bits have been put in italics.

Well, looks like Monster Dog's been barking up the wrong tree. ('Monster Dog', 1997)

And you say I'm the crazy one ('Crazy Bitch/Potty Bitch', madcap Anglo-American romp, 2000)

Hmm. I didn't think there was a 'T' in China! ('Forever Never Comes Again', Bond Franchise reboot, forthcoming)

I guess every dog has its Day! ('Monster Dog', starring Bill Crosby as Simon Day, 1997)

Yeah? Who's wanking now? (Sex-wank, c.2003)

A really good one

So there's a thick character called Harriet and Ludvig's just told John that he's slept with her. A fourth character, Craymond (not a name, really, but go with it) comes in and says, to John, "I did something stupid last night". John, quite cleverly, then says;

'So did Ludvig!'

That'd be a really good one, I think.

An Excerpt from my Favourite BOOK

Susanna Kruntz’s ‘And the Fox Cried Blind’

From Chapter 43

“Can’t you hear me?” she screamed into the nothingness.

“Hello?” came the reply. “Is there anybody there?”

“Martin, thank Christ! Martin, I’m down here, little bro!”

Nothing.

She started again; “Martin, can you-”

“Hellllooooo? Anybody?”, Martin yelped.

He couldn’t hear her. All was lost. Again and again she screamed back up the well, but to no avail. Occasionally, the stars were obscured by what she assumed to be Martin’s silhouette.

“Please,” she whispered. “Please, Martin”

She started to cry and soon her face joined her body in being wet.

“Martin, I know you can’t hear me but listen I’m sorry. I...I’m sorry for everything. Adrianna and I, we-...well, I guess sorry is enough. I’m sorry, that’s all I’m saying”

“Listen, Kayleigh, I’m assuming you left with the others earlier to go to Tenerife, so I guess I won’t hear from you for weeks, but just in case you’re somehow down this well, I wanted to say I’ll never forgive you. I’ll never ever forgive for what you did. That’s all.”

He could hear her. The little cunt could hear her!

Motivational Slogans/Words of Wisdom

1. Your new life started yesterday,

...your old life starts tomorrow!

2. Even the wisest man is only half as wise as the twice-wise man

3. It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the sighs of the dog in the night

4. Nobody becomes anybody through hard work. But somebody does.

5. Life's a walking shadow. Keep walking into that sunset, and you'll wither yourself away. And don't do crack.

6. If you're in a hole, climb out. If you are the hole, don't let them.

7. You've gotta catch'em all!

8. Don't worry about defence, unless you're the goalie. Don't worry about attack unless you're the striker. All the other ones, keep yourselves busy.

8b. De-fence is not just for sitting on!

9. If you're heavily in debt - keep spending!

10. Don't watch this http://www.cakefarts.com/

Business Idea #11

Buy fifteen seats (or steal - cars, community centres, smartcars?) - sell to David Cameron. Then request that he use his Prime Minister Powers to blag you a jacuzzi where you don't have to pay for either the heating or the bubbles, and there's lights under the water too.

Three Tragic Traveller's Tales

1. Susan and Bart parted ways because of how Susan always wanted to watch Hollyoaks instead of the news. The following August they agreed to meet up, for the first time. Bart was waiting for four hours until he got a text saying Susan wouldn't be there. It was because she'd been asked to stand by the counter in a shop on an episode of Hollyoaks. It wasn't quite irony. But if it'd been Bart that'd been asked to stand by that counter, then it would have been VERY ironic.

2. "I'm doing a play," Tamzin explained. "But don't get too excited, because it's not in a theatre and there isn't an audience or a director. Just me and this guy. There won't be lights. And it's all improv. I should mention it's in a bedroom and you aren't invited."

Richard looked down at the Mahogany tree.

"...Tamzin, are you leaving me?"

3. Up against the wall. Ooomf. Up against the tree now. Crikey! Jizz absolutely everywhere. Wowza! This was good sex, they were having.

-9 months later-

"And so, if anyone knows any reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak-"

"AAAARGH!!!!"

"What is it?, Kaylie?"

"My waters have broken"

Highly Politicised

Today is an important day for people because they get to choose someone to run the country that they live in for a bit. David Cameron (Titanic, Avatars), Nick Clegg (Last of the Summer Wine, Thundercats etc.) and Brown (School Days). I intend to solve who will be the prime minister with a fight. But I don't want to influence anybody's vote, so I'll tell you at this stage, that it's going to be an absolute tie.

Lights dim.

Cameron walks to the ring. The song 'Baby Mama' by Fantasia (J Records 2005) plays. He bows. Kisses some of the women there, and puts a towel over his head, panting a bit. Lots of sweat at this stage.

Clegg walks to the ring, to some Mozart. He's a more attractive man than gets mentioned. He bows.

Brown walks to the ring. No music. He likes 'The Killers', but has requested they not be played. Stumbles a bit on the stairs, because of the eye thing. Self-rights, and hits his stride again. Good recovery (not a political joke).

Ding Ding

They all start hitting each other. Clegg uses a knuckle-duster, but Brown doesn't feel it because of his partially robot head (the eye, etc.). Cameron has taken his shirt off now and he starts clawing into Clegg, then kicks Brown up the arse. Foot stuck. Clegg takes advantage and does a quick turd on the pair of them, lying there in a bundle. I lose interest for a minute, but when I turn back they're all naked and covered in blood. On the front row you can see Tony Blair, sort of somewhere between crying and wanking. This presumably says something about his views, but no-one's sure what. Bang bang bang. Sparks fly out of Brown's head, and Cameron laughs, leaving his mouth open for Clegg to do another one of his turds. It's really getting brutal now. Someone's blood lands on my knee. Brown's eye plops into the gentleman next to me's coffee/brandy. It's confusing as I'm watching this on TV. Some fight. Left. Right. Left. Right. Cameron is in a lot of pain at this point, jaw hanging off, visible ribs, limp. Bang bang bang. Blair's still cranking away. There's a black-out, and when the lights come up they're all fucking. They realise the mistake and force their respective willies out. There's a sort of weird atmosphere. Brown's got a bomb! Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Says Cameron. He's really starting to lose it.

Clegg starts to cry. Cameron begs for mercy. Brown throws it away and says sorry. They all punch each other in the knob and collapse in a pile.

Ding Ding

So hopefully that's helped.

The Funniest Thing In The World

If you go on google, take off the 'Safesearch' and then type in 'funny', this is the first picture you will get to. It's, therefore, the funniest thing in the world.

It is actually pretty funny.