December 31st - Ta-Boo Hoo (or 'Taboo Who?')

This is the last of my Taboo-based blogs, but I thought it'd be nice if we had a few words from the man himself to see us into the New Year. This isn't his actual New Year journal, but instead his message to fans on what he confusingly dubbed 'Hollow's Eve'

WHATS UP PEABODYS..HAPPY HOLLOWS EVE..

CANT WAIT TO PARTY WITH WILL.I.AM ,APL.DE.AP POLO AND THE REST OF THE CREW AT THIS PARTY CALLED (HARD) IN LOS ANGELES ON FRIDAY OCT 31ST..ITS GOING TO BE FRESH CAUSE WILL.I.AM IS GOING TO BE DJING WITH HIS CREW CALLED SUPABLACK..AND WE ARE ALL DRESSING UP FOR THE OCCASION,IM NOT SURE WHAT IM GOING TO BE QUITE YET BUT IM GOING TO BE REALLY FRESH....TABMAGNETIC...

Now, treat time...

I was listening to 'Where is the Love' the other day, by them Black Eyed Peas, the Black Eyed Peas, and found myself all like "where's Taboo on this shit?" He's got one verse, which is cool, but why not give him two more and a bit at the start, since he's already in the studio? So I've fixed it.

Happy New Year. My resolution? I'm going to try harder to go and see this film...

(this will be easier as, at some point during the course of the year, it will have come out)

December 30th - Taboom Boom Pow! (or The Man Speaks)

0:07 "On BEHALF of Will.I.Am and Fergie" It's sad that he doesn't feel part of it.

"It all starts with the shoes" Then he progresses up the leg for a bit...

Watch out for the awkward stumbly bit at 0:24

0:27. That jacket is by no means "crazy" 'boo.

0:49 "Fergie left the group" You can quote me on that

0:50 "No" My mistake

0:53 "Yeah, man" - I have never heard or seen anyone say anything with even nearly this amount of sadness in them

1:52 He tries to keep it as Mexican as possible. Sometimes, it's not possible to keep it quite as Mexican as he'd like, but wherever he can he tries to ensure that it is.

He does actually seem quite nice.

December 29th - TABOOMERANG!

December 24th - Spot The Difference

December 16th- Tabossword

A sort of 'Spot the Taboo' part 2:

Other games (not comedy, more fun...well, not, but, yeah)

1. Where's Wally?

2. Where's the only number?

3. Where's the noughts and crosses board?

December 15th- Some Ancient Egyptian Taboos

Here are some Ancient Egyptian Taboos, according to Food in the Ancient World by Joan P. Alcock (Greenwood Press, 2006) – or are they? You’ve got to spot which ones are tab-true and which ones are tab-not:

· Herodotus claimed that the Egyptians were not allowed to eat beans

· Herodotus was also responsible for present day Egyptologists believing for a long time that pork was taboo for the Egyptians.

· Herodotus said that Ancient Egyptians were not allowed their iPhone 4s in Mass. Only the iPhone 3 was permitted.

· Herodotus said that any Egyptian who accidentally touched a pig would have to purify himself in the Nile.

· Herodotus said that if you sat on a sort of fleece made out of like just a bit of poo or something then you couldn’t eat until you cried.

· Herodotus said that Egyptian priests were certainly forbidden to eat pork (although this might have been self-denying ordinance, rather than a taboo)

· Herodotus said if you did it up the bum with a camel, you got your head kicked in.

· Herodotus said that Egyptian priests considered it a religious duty to avoid salt, so they refused to eat food cooked with it.

· Herodotus said that it was taboo to not do Taboo’s dance break from ‘Pump It’ every time you heard any music in any context.

December 8th – Taboo’s 3 lines in ‘Don’t Phunk With My Heart’

Welcome to Taboo in Focus, where we’re looking at Taboo’s only 3 lines from the pop hit ‘Don’t Phunk With My Heart’ with them Black Eyed Peas, the Black Eyed Peas.

Baby Girl you make me feel

You know you make me feel so real

I love you more than sex appeal

I want today to focus on the much talked about third line, here. First thing to note, the third line is the last line, in this case. Will.I.Am cuts Taboo off before he gets to finish his famous ‘eel’ quadruplet. Why does Will.I.Am cut Taboo off? What was he going to tell us? Perhaps Will.I.Am was afraid of what Taboo might say...

There are literally hundreds of books about what this forth line might have been, but, for today, we’ll just take it as an unresolved mystery, like the Bermuda Triangle and who really shot Diana. Instead, let’s just look at that third line itself and see what it tells us about a man we’ve come to know as ‘in the Black Eyed Peas’.

“I love you more than sex appeal”

So, we can interpret this line in any one of eight, widely accepted, ways;

1. 1. Taboo loves this girl, let’s call her Cheryl, more than he loves sex appeal.

2. 2. Taboo loves this girl, let’s call her Cheryl, more than sex appeal loves this girl, let’s call her Cheryl.

3. 3. Taboo loves this girl, let’s call her up, more than he loves sex her appeal.

4. 4. Taboo loves the insurance firm ‘More Than’, and begins to list the qualities he appreciates in it. (perhaps the forth line would have gone on to list ‘reasonable APR’ and ‘polite phone manner’)

5. 5. Taboo states only that he loves, in general, and then tells the girl, let’s call her name, that she is, herself, more than sex appeal.

6. 6. Similar to 4. Taboo loves this girl, let’s then, more than he loves sex, and begins to list the gifts he would give her to prove this. ‘A peel, an aga, some Pogz...’

7. 7. Taboo loves this girl, more than he appreciates her sex appeal. In this interpretation, it can be taken as a veiled insult (look out, Fergie!)

8. 8. Taboo introduces himself as ‘love’, describes the girl as ‘more’, mispronounces the word ‘then’, and asks for six apples in a French accent.

Logically, let’s go with the 8^th interpretation. We can conclude that Taboo is pretty weird, sure, but can we conclude literally anything else? Well, if you accept the 8^th interpretation (the Octavian School), then no.

December 7th – Tab-nuts

December 6th – Things T.A.B.O.O. could be an acronym for

Take A Bow, Oh Nothing (as in zero; 0)

Throw All Bums Out of Office

Tecnologie Avanzate Basate (su Concetti) Orientati Ad Oggetti

Theoretical and Applied Biomedical Optic Outlet

Taboo Applies ‘Bazuka’® On Ocelluses (small eye-like coloured spots)

The Acrobatic Boy is Obviously Ochlesitic (suffering from sickness resulting from an overcrowded living condition)

There’s A Bit Of Onomancy (divination using a Donkey or Ass)

Taboo’s Album Be a OOps!

December 5th - Taboo Solo Album Announced!

“As of 2008, Taboo is in the process of creating a solo album, T.A.B.O.O. Taboo has said that he hopes to collaborate with artists such as Frankie J,E-40, Pitbull, and Kumbia Kings. Shakira, Blu Cantrell and Juaneshave been rumoured to be featured artists on his solo effort, even though it may be a small effort. "Revolucion" can be heard on his official website.”

My favourite bit is where it says “hopes” to collaborate.

http://www.tabmagnificent.com/

December 4th – A Suggestion

The new B.E.P. track...

Baby Love Ass (music/lyrics – Will.I.Am/Taboo)

Will.I.Am: Bay-ba-bay, ba-bay-bee lu' ass

Bay-ba-bay, ba-bay-bee lu' ass

Bay-ba-bay, ba-bay-bee lu' ass

(auto-tune bit) Baby do this one-time

Fergie: Do you want to see me dance?

Do you want to see inside these pants?

Will.I.Am, what's the circumstance?

Will.I.Am: Check it out.

This the way it's goin' down

I make the beats, I send'em round

Taboo and the other one say they good

Cos if they aint good it's understood

They try to make they own, groan, bemoan

Text me, aks how the auto-tune switch on (pronounced 'own')

I text'em that, "if you in this act, you gotta learn to hold your own"

They text me back, Taboo makes flapjacks,

The other one smokes crack, and it carries on like that

Til they retract, kick back, say my rhymes is phat,

And, egos intact,

We record my original rap

And I'm like

Bay-ba-bay, ba-bay-bee lu' ass

Bay-ba-bay, ba-bay-bee lu' ass.

Bay-ba-bay, ba-bay-bee lu' ass.

(autotune bit) Baby, do this one-time.

Fergie: Do you want to see my ass?

Does it make you wan' skip class?

Will.I.Am, do you like my ass?

Will.I.Am: I'm like

Bay-ba-bay, ba-bay-bee lu' ass

Bay-ba-bay, ba-bay-bee lu' ass.

Bay-ba-bay, ba-bay-bee lu' ass.

(autotune bit) Baby, do this one-time.

Taboo: You know we dance

Fergie: Do you wan' inside these jeans?

Do they make you think what's in-between?

Will.I.Am, this beat is so obscene

Taboo: Sex appeal

Fourth One: (very slow, considered) Yo.

The boat is on the moat

And the boat begins to float

And then we are on the boat

'Cos the boat is not a goat

And I wrote about the boat

With a goat upon the moat

Until we float like boat now goat now boat

Now wrote now float now bring dat beat!

Will.I.Am: (auto-tune bit) Baby do this one-time

Fergie: Do you like this sexy song?

Does it make you wanna sing along?

Will.I.Am, do you like my ass?

Will.I.Am: Yes, gurl

Fergie then does a little laugh

Also, the video is Cheryl Cole with her muff out.

December 3rd - Findings

Taboo is known for his capoeira-inspired dance moves (he is a practitioner of Jeet Kune Do concepts and a black belt in Ninjutsu) and an eclectic style of dress.

December 2nd – Further examination

This guy, for instance. What does this guy actually do?

December 1st - An Observation

What do the other two actually do in Black Eyed Peas?

PROFESSOR DOG

Apassionata 4

No reply from the people of Apassionata as yet. I'll be chasing them up tomorrow. In the meantime, here's a list of just some of the horses you could expect to see in the show

http://www.apassionata.co.uk/show/our-horses.html

Apassionata 3: Through the Looking Ass...

From the website for 'Apassionata'.

This is, I gather, the widely criticised ending of the show, after which they have to get a new lead actress each night...

Apassionata 2: Further Down The Rabbit Hole

Apassionata

Right...

How many actually are there?

A Helping Hand

Kyle broke off another toilet tissue, spat on it, edged it closer towards Alan’s anus, and slowly began to rub. All the poo. Gosh!

“After this,” Alan whispered, “I need someone to help with my algebra...”

Autobiography

So my autobiography FINALLY gots published today. I've had a tough life, so I wanted to get that across in the title, and call it "Can't Cook Ice". Like that famous saying "you can't cook ice". You know; not everything's in your control, some things just are how they are and you have to live with them etc. Typo fuck-up

Makes me look like a fucking idiot.

Genuinely Rubbish Facebooks #2

"Interests: Rugby, Rowing, and listening to music"

Hello, my name is Chris and I enjoy rugby, rowing, and listening to music. Will you be my friend?

No, Chris, I absolutely will not. You sound fucking tedious.

"Activities: Hanging around with mates"

Hello, my name is Chris and I enjoy hanging around with my mates.

Of course you do, Chris. That's why they're your mates. That's what mates are, you fucking tedium.

Directions

Okay, straight up here, on past the Grimer's - wait, are you local? No? Right, on past the Stamford Arms - we call it 'the Grimer's Minge' - don't worry about it. Yeah, so past the Stamford Arms, left at the roundabout - lots of chavs around there. Bad area for chavs, that. Anyway, don't pay them any notice - my friend Dan fingered one, but he reckons she was pretty drunk, so...yeah, it's not actually that far from there. Well, it's far, but it's straight. You can get the 317 outside the Leisure Complex. No? Strong man. Haha. No, good man. So carry on going along that road for...ooo...15 minutes? AND THEN COME BACK COS YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!!! Haha joking - on a bit of a roll. No, go about 3 minutes down that road and the road will start to split - left fork, right fork, and then another one to the right of the right fork. DO NOT TAKE THE RIGHT FORK. Yeah? You take the one to the right of the right fork. So which way do you go?...good, yeah, the right of the right fork. Listen, I'm getting so hard just thinking about this. Anyway, yeah, so take the right of the right fork, about ten minutes on and you'll be right there. Actually, I'm going that way now, if you fancy any compan-oh, right, yeah. See you later

My Love, She No a' Comin' Home

Ideas for TV Shows

1. Exactly like Big Brother, but without giving them food or filming it.

2. Working title "Tiger, Tiger" - Two tigers are made to fight. This more or less writes itself. (Should be BRILLIANT)

3. Fifteen men (including women) are given fifteen eggs (one each, plus one spare) to take care of for a year. They're not allowed to smash them and they've got to stop other people from making it so that they're smashed. They must keep the egg with them at all times. This is complicated by the fact we send a proper maniac character after them with a hammer. Like a maniac, though.

4. Working title "Sex Milk". No clear concept as yet. Early days. Budget approx. 8 million.

5. Working title "25". Like "24", but with an extra episode on the end, made up of clips from the previous episodes. For this one, the budget would be quite small probably, because for the first 24 episodes of each season, you could use the existing '24' shit. I reckon I could get the last one finished while these are airing.

6. "We took one paedophile and fifteen cats, and we locked them in a cupboard for 40 days and 40 nights. Want to know what happened?"...

The Worst Person There Could Ever Be

Some Witty Quips

These are some witty quips: one-liners and such. They'd be better in context really. The witty bits have been put in italics.

Well, looks like Monster Dog's been barking up the wrong tree. ('Monster Dog', 1997)

And you say I'm the crazy one ('Crazy Bitch/Potty Bitch', madcap Anglo-American romp, 2000)

Hmm. I didn't think there was a 'T' in China! ('Forever Never Comes Again', Bond Franchise reboot, forthcoming)

I guess every dog has its Day! ('Monster Dog', starring Bill Crosby as Simon Day, 1997)

Yeah? Who's wanking now? (Sex-wank, c.2003)

A really good one

So there's a thick character called Harriet and Ludvig's just told John that he's slept with her. A fourth character, Craymond (not a name, really, but go with it) comes in and says, to John, "I did something stupid last night". John, quite cleverly, then says;

'So did Ludvig!'

That'd be a really good one, I think.

An Excerpt from my Favourite BOOK

Susanna Kruntz’s ‘And the Fox Cried Blind’

From Chapter 43

“Can’t you hear me?” she screamed into the nothingness.

“Hello?” came the reply. “Is there anybody there?”

“Martin, thank Christ! Martin, I’m down here, little bro!”

Nothing.

She started again; “Martin, can you-”

“Hellllooooo? Anybody?”, Martin yelped.

He couldn’t hear her. All was lost. Again and again she screamed back up the well, but to no avail. Occasionally, the stars were obscured by what she assumed to be Martin’s silhouette.

“Please,” she whispered. “Please, Martin”

She started to cry and soon her face joined her body in being wet.

“Martin, I know you can’t hear me but listen I’m sorry. I...I’m sorry for everything. Adrianna and I, we-...well, I guess sorry is enough. I’m sorry, that’s all I’m saying”

“Listen, Kayleigh, I’m assuming you left with the others earlier to go to Tenerife, so I guess I won’t hear from you for weeks, but just in case you’re somehow down this well, I wanted to say I’ll never forgive you. I’ll never ever forgive for what you did. That’s all.”

He could hear her. The little cunt could hear her!

Motivational Slogans/Words of Wisdom

1. Your new life started yesterday,

...your old life starts tomorrow!

2. Even the wisest man is only half as wise as the twice-wise man

3. It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the sighs of the dog in the night

4. Nobody becomes anybody through hard work. But somebody does.

5. Life's a walking shadow. Keep walking into that sunset, and you'll wither yourself away. And don't do crack.

6. If you're in a hole, climb out. If you are the hole, don't let them.

7. You've gotta catch'em all!

8. Don't worry about defence, unless you're the goalie. Don't worry about attack unless you're the striker. All the other ones, keep yourselves busy.

8b. De-fence is not just for sitting on!

9. If you're heavily in debt - keep spending!

10. Don't watch this http://www.cakefarts.com/

Business Idea #11

Buy fifteen seats (or steal - cars, community centres, smartcars?) - sell to David Cameron. Then request that he use his Prime Minister Powers to blag you a jacuzzi where you don't have to pay for either the heating or the bubbles, and there's lights under the water too.

Three Tragic Traveller's Tales

1. Susan and Bart parted ways because of how Susan always wanted to watch Hollyoaks instead of the news. The following August they agreed to meet up, for the first time. Bart was waiting for four hours until he got a text saying Susan wouldn't be there. It was because she'd been asked to stand by the counter in a shop on an episode of Hollyoaks. It wasn't quite irony. But if it'd been Bart that'd been asked to stand by that counter, then it would have been VERY ironic.

2. "I'm doing a play," Tamzin explained. "But don't get too excited, because it's not in a theatre and there isn't an audience or a director. Just me and this guy. There won't be lights. And it's all improv. I should mention it's in a bedroom and you aren't invited."

Richard looked down at the Mahogany tree.

"...Tamzin, are you leaving me?"

3. Up against the wall. Ooomf. Up against the tree now. Crikey! Jizz absolutely everywhere. Wowza! This was good sex, they were having.

-9 months later-

"And so, if anyone knows any reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak-"

"AAAARGH!!!!"

"What is it?, Kaylie?"

"My waters have broken"

Highly Politicised

Today is an important day for people because they get to choose someone to run the country that they live in for a bit. David Cameron (Titanic, Avatars), Nick Clegg (Last of the Summer Wine, Thundercats etc.) and Brown (School Days). I intend to solve who will be the prime minister with a fight. But I don't want to influence anybody's vote, so I'll tell you at this stage, that it's going to be an absolute tie.

Lights dim.

Cameron walks to the ring. The song 'Baby Mama' by Fantasia (J Records 2005) plays. He bows. Kisses some of the women there, and puts a towel over his head, panting a bit. Lots of sweat at this stage.

Clegg walks to the ring, to some Mozart. He's a more attractive man than gets mentioned. He bows.

Brown walks to the ring. No music. He likes 'The Killers', but has requested they not be played. Stumbles a bit on the stairs, because of the eye thing. Self-rights, and hits his stride again. Good recovery (not a political joke).

Ding Ding

They all start hitting each other. Clegg uses a knuckle-duster, but Brown doesn't feel it because of his partially robot head (the eye, etc.). Cameron has taken his shirt off now and he starts clawing into Clegg, then kicks Brown up the arse. Foot stuck. Clegg takes advantage and does a quick turd on the pair of them, lying there in a bundle. I lose interest for a minute, but when I turn back they're all naked and covered in blood. On the front row you can see Tony Blair, sort of somewhere between crying and wanking. This presumably says something about his views, but no-one's sure what. Bang bang bang. Sparks fly out of Brown's head, and Cameron laughs, leaving his mouth open for Clegg to do another one of his turds. It's really getting brutal now. Someone's blood lands on my knee. Brown's eye plops into the gentleman next to me's coffee/brandy. It's confusing as I'm watching this on TV. Some fight. Left. Right. Left. Right. Cameron is in a lot of pain at this point, jaw hanging off, visible ribs, limp. Bang bang bang. Blair's still cranking away. There's a black-out, and when the lights come up they're all fucking. They realise the mistake and force their respective willies out. There's a sort of weird atmosphere. Brown's got a bomb! Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Says Cameron. He's really starting to lose it.

Clegg starts to cry. Cameron begs for mercy. Brown throws it away and says sorry. They all punch each other in the knob and collapse in a pile.

Ding Ding

So hopefully that's helped.

The Funniest Thing In The World

If you go on google, take off the 'Safesearch' and then type in 'funny', this is the first picture you will get to. It's, therefore, the funniest thing in the world.

It is actually pretty funny.

The Man Who Towed My Car and How Frequently He Presumably Wanks Over Children

Jeremy Robinson and Very.

I've had to change the name to protect the identity of one of the people involved. But suffice it to say he's a right old prick and given half a chance I'd kick his old todge in.

Annoying, is the point. A real miffer.

Suggestions People Could Make (To Get A Car Started)

Maybe put it in neutral...what?...no, I’m just thinking with it being a hill...

What’s a jack for? Could we use a jack?

More petrol. Sometimes it’s that simple...well, diesel then!! Who are you, Spencer Specific?

Easily solved. Take the girl, right, and pull her left leg up onto the bed-side table – no, her right leg...actually it doesn’t matter which leg, really. Okay, and then just gently, steadily thrust your- what? Oh, the car...right, I quite like Ralph’s thing about maybe putting it in neutral

You know how when a hot air balloon’s sort of flagging a bit, they throw something out? Could we not just do that?...I don’t know, the radio?

Call the AAA.

Have you tried getting hold of the rack? WHAT? How is that – no, it’s not another sexual thing, Andrew, I mean the R.A.C. you bell-end!

It’s fucked. Just leave it. Dead end.

And you’re certain this is your car? ...yes, I suppose you would, yes

...it might now be time for us to turn to the black arts...

The Last Things Chris Thorpe Thought About

Mirror, signal, manoeuvre
Tic-Tacs
“The Wright Stuff”
Lenny Kravitz – good song, haven’t heard it in ages
Pedal Bins (bins that you can open using a pedal)
That dream where it turned out all of us (except Mark) were in Hollyoaks, but about ten years into the future
Hiroshima
Nagasaki
Saki
Drinks with Jennifer later?
Mother’s teet
Hang on
The brakes
“Come on, you ruddy brakes!!!”
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing

Did you know that Chris Thorpe’s M.O.T. was literally about three months out of date? Makes you think...

A Mantra

Be bad

Be bold

Be wiser

Be hard

Be tough

Be stronger

Be cool

Be calm

Stick together

Love will save the day

Business Idea #10

Find out that all of David Icke’s theories are true. Withhold this information from David Icke. Allude to a pecuniary compromise.

Post Scripts

P.S. Forget about the whole ‘top to tail’ thing. I guess if you just brush, it’ll be fine.

P.S. – remember to post that script.

P.S. If you do say ‘yes’ then I’ve got a pretty nice chapel booked already. Check it out http://www.celticcastles.com/weddings.asp

P.S. I’m new at this, so any feedback would be tops. I wonder if ‘you’re no longer hired’ would have been more sensitive.

P.S. I love you

P.S. Don’t ever talk to me again. See you next Tuesday.

P.S. Dear Mr Benedicts, it has come to my attention that you’ve not been paying your taxes. We have issued a court order. Yours sincerely, Inland Revenue. (I wonder, should some of this have been in the ‘script’)

P.S. Could I have my wife back? She said she was just popping out and, although I thank you for the wedding invitation, I wonder if I ought to worry.

A Date

Chris: Erm... Leanne, do you fancy going for a drink some time?

Leanne: Yeah, sure

Chris: Wait, you're not really busy, are you?

Leanne: No, why?

Chris: Just with the black dress and all your relatives

Leanne: Nope. Not busy, no.

Vicar: (coming over) Sorry, Leanne, we're gonna do the eulog-

Leanne: In a bit vicar

Chris: Okay...so we're on for the drink?

Leanne: Yep

Chris: Gee. Look at me. Going for a drink with Leanne Holmes.

Leanne: Fuller. Yeah, it's Leanne Fuller now.

Chris: Really? Why'd you chang-

Vicar: (coming over) Leanne, we're going to embalm the-

Leanne: I'm busy, vicar!!!

Chris: Are you sure you're not busy?

Leanne: No, no. Come on, Chris, let's go have that drink

Chris: What, now?

Leanne: Yeah, now's fine. I'm pretty sure now's fine

Business Idea #9

Look into getting the patent for ‘dishes’.

8 Things I've Noticed

1. 1. Once out of every 365 days, somebody is born who will never have that thing where you can’t quite remember which of two ages you were when something happened, because of you being both in that year.

2. 2. Right now, as you’re reading this, somebody in America IS pissing on their husband, both in a sexual and abusive way (in the north/south respectively?). Makes you think.

3. 3. ‘Bebo’ hasn’t closed down yet – go on Google, check it out – it’s still there!

4. 4. At some point, somebody sat down and CAME UP WITH dishes. Before this there was presumably only Cup-a-Soup or else a lotta burnt hands (well, two each).

5. 5. The ‘Oscars’ and the ‘Academy Awards’ are the same things.

6. 6. If you’d got the patent on dishes, you’d probably have more money than Bill Gates and somebody who has as much money as Bill Gates COMBINED (twice as much as Bill Gates)

7. 7. If the myths were truth, and everybody was infected, then one of out every twenty-eight people (roughly) would turn into a werewolf ON THEIR BIRTHDAY!

8. 8. Cows. Do just think about them for a couple of seconds. Go on Google, find a picture of one, and just look at it. Honestly. Cows. What are they even doing?

Cast/Crew for a Film

‘Brent Sheffner’/ ‘Captain Heroes’ – Ralph Feinnes (beard, piercings etc.)

‘Imogen Myloins’ – Keeley Hazell (she can act?!?!?)

‘Shelly Sheffner’ – Bonnie Wright/the other one out of Destiny’s Child.

‘Nathaniel Nefarious’/ ‘Count Cunt’ – Danny Devito (in his ‘Penguin’ outfit from Batman Returns – investigate rights)

‘Postman’ – Dappy

‘Postman 2’ – Sir Ian McKellen (discuss swapping postmen round)

‘Sir Ian McKellen’ – Patrick Swayze (use the technology they had for that cancer advert with Bob Monkhouse – add SOME features of Sir Ian himself into this mix)

‘Bath’ – see props list.

Best Boy – Nelson Mandella (has to be)

Photography – Andy Hollis (really good. a pro)

Grip – Kerry Katona (gives her something to do since ‘THE WHOLE ICELAND THING’)

Director – Probably me, but I’ll consider virtually anybody else. Best to wait until there’s a script/story etc. before putting all of our eggs in potentionally quite a dangerous basket.

Script – Matt Damon (Good Will Hunting etc.)

Business Idea #8

Releasing audio-books of mime festivals. You wouldn’t have to record anything, but people would still pay LOADS of money!!!

A Novella

“Should I mention it?” Dirk wondered. “Should I mention all of the bodies? She’ll see them, surely. She’ll see that I’ve killed all of these bankers and she’ll worry.”

Cassandra sauntered in through the bathroom window, as per.

“Why are you sitting on that casket?” she asked.

“We have to talk,” Dirk explained, “I’ve...killed a lot of bankers.”

“Right,” said Cassandra.

There was exactly the sort of pause you’d imagine there’d be. Perhaps even slightly longer. There was a palpable feeling of an appropriate kind.

“Never mind, though, eh?” Cassandra ventured. “I’m as bad myself,” she added, before opening the airing cupboard to release no less than a hundred dead bankers, some of them dating back years.

“Why didn’t you...”

“Mention it? I don’t know...it’s not the sort of thing you say, is it?”

F.U.B.R.B.

Perhaps this is a little late, but I thought I’d get in on the Eamon/Frankie break-up song thing. It’s a bit harder for me, I think, because I was never in that relationship, but I think it basically gets to the heart of it and I’m looking forward to all of the money I’ll make.

F.U.B.R.B. (Fuck You Both Right Back)

Whoa oh oh

Ooh hooh

No No No

[Verse 1]

See, I don’t know why you guys liked each other so much

It’s hard to imagine you guys in love

You both wrote, wrote popular songs,

Now it’s five years on

By now the pain is gone,

But I’m bringin’ it back just’a one more time, yo

[Chorus]

Fuck what you guys said, you’re both out of line

Frankie, those presents, they seem pretty nice

Eamon, I’m sure Frankie means more than jack

Hey guess what, guys, fuck you both right back

Fuck both you guys, you’re so out of line

I’m taking those presents, yeah, that’s right, they mine

Eamon, she’s a skank, but you’re also a twat

Hey guess what, guys, fuck you both right back

[Verse 2]

Now Frankie, you shouldn’t cheat

You were never gonna keep that shit from Eamon

In the Frankie one, she sings a bit here

About really enjoying fingering herself

Now who’s asking for who back?

You need to interact,

And standardise the backstory to these songs, yeah

Fuck what you guys said, you’re both out of line

Frankie, those presents, they seem pretty nice

Eamon, I’m sure Frankie means more than jack

Hey guess what, guys, fuck you both right back

Fuck both you guys, you’re so out of line

I’m taking those presents, yeah, that’s right, they mine

Eamon, she’s a skank, but you’re also a twat

Hey guess what, guys, fuck you both right back

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

Frankie ya questioned, did Eamon care

You could ask anyone, I even said

You guys were wrong for each other

Now it’s over, I’m a little sad

But if I had to choose I’d say I’m sorry for Eamon, cuz he loved a hoe

Fuck both you guys, you’re so out of line

I’m taking those presents, yeah, all that shit’s mine

Eamon, she’s a skank, but you are a twat

So guess what, guys, Jonno says fuck you both right back

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

Oh oh

Uh huh yeah

[Until the end]

A Wordsearch

Cocoa-Nuts

It’s a cereal for people who are nuts about cocoa. Make very clear that it doesn’t contain coconuts but still have, as the mascot, a massive coconut (he talks?). Call him ‘The Cocoa Nut’ and say that all of his friends are in the cereal. Specify that none of his friends are coconuts. Field questions.

An Extremely Difficult Sudoku

Christophe Herne: A Genealogy

Christophe’s mother (Jan) was a dentist from Aldershot, who married his father, a Brazilian with a temper.

We follow the mother

Jan Herne (née Charleston-Bennett)’s father (‘Dom’) was a wheatsheaf, like his father before him, the famous Whitely Bennett, credited with inventing something-or-other (citation needed) where it basically meant that wheatsheafing took about half as long as it previously had.

We follow his uncle.

Carlton Bennett, the famous type-setter/polymath, never found love himself, but his parents (Lucy and Dennis) remained married and happy until their mutual deaths in the purges.

Dennis’ mother was the fruit of respected loins. Father, Lord Manfred Whelks, and mother, Lady Vera Manfred, were brother and sister respectfully, but only through marriage and blood; their mutual mother being a lady called Christine (we begin to see where Christophe got his name from!)

There is reasonable evidence that Christine had no father.

The Hedge Hog (as in 'Bush Pig' - but also, Hedgehog)

Below is an extract from a series of short stories I've been writing in order to simultaneously teach children about a certain animal and also to introduce them to a certain literary style. This is the eighth in the series which juxtaposes hedgehogs and horror...

“What do you mean, dead?” Samwise Gangee asked, down the phone to his supervisor (who’d just told him that his [Samwise’s] wife was dead).

The supervisor meant exactly what he said. She’d been shot in the lung by a bullet, and it wasn’t looking good. Or was it?

No. Samwise dropped the phone in horror. She’d been trying to contact him all day, but he’d been too blasted busy! Busy busy busy, he thought. Busy like a bee. Busy like a bee would be busy. He don’t need this.

He slammed the door and walked into the forecourt. What had she been trying to tell him? He checked his answerphone. The signal was poor.

“Samwi…I…research…massive, they…wha-?....hedgehogs…can you…hedgehogs…I’m trying…experi-…hedgehogs…GET AWAY FROM M-!...hedgehogs…”

What did it all mean? Who killed her? Or what? It could have been an animal, of course.

He knew that she’d been working on an experiment to make animals bigger and more intelligent. But that only narrowed it down to every living thing on the planet that wasn’t a plant – and that was a list he hadn’t the time to peruse. Which animal? Which one? Which? Which animal?

A hedgehog scuttled past his feet.

“Get away from me, you stupid little-”

But wait. He realised. Hedgehogs. His hedgehogs. Their hedgehogs. He’d leant them to her just that morning.

It was a prickly situation, he quipped to no-one in particular.

These were all the things Samwise knew about hedgehogs; ‘A hedgehog is any of the small spiny mammals of the subfamily Erinaceinae and the order Erinaceomorpha. There are 16 species of hedgehog in five genera, found through parts of Europe, Asia, Africa, and New Zealand. There are no hedgehogs native to Australia, and no living species native to North America; those in New Zealand are introduced. Hedgehogs have changed little over the last 15 million years. Like many of the first mammals they have adapted to a nocturnal, insectivorous way of life. The name 'hedgehog' came into use around the year 1450, derived from the Middle English 'heyghoge', from 'heyg', 'hegge' = hedge, because it frequents hedgerows, and 'hoge', 'hogge' = hog, from its piglike snout. Other folk names include 'urchin', 'hedgepig' and 'furze-pig'’

All of that would be useful now.